War is hell.

It started in the early hours of the morning. Right around the time when most normal people are struggling to stay awake. I had a hankering for some toast and so went into the kitchen. I stopped in horror. There were ants, EVERYWHERE.

I turned tail and ran. Some may think that cowardly, but I knew I had to warn the rest of the flat! I managed to make it back to my computer safely and quickly jotted out a message to Belle.

“The ants are attacking! Too many to hold back! Request backup!”

I prayed that she was awake.

I took a moment to remember my last confrontation with the ants. It had not been that long ago, less than a year in fact; yet it felt like a lifetime. I marched determinedly into the bathroom and grabbed my trusty spray bottle. I might not be able to defeat them, but I’d take as many of the son’s of bitches down with me as I could!

It was brutal.

I sprayed the stove top, and when they ran to hide under the elements, I turned them all on. Nothing quite compares to the satisfying smell of roasting ants. The waves of attackers were endless though, and my already tired body was threatening to give into exhaustion.

Then I spotted it. Their line of reinforcements.

I followed the line, frantically spraying every ant dead. Finally I came to a large huddled group, maintaining control of the breach that allowed them through the walls defending our lands. I knew what I had to do.

Without regard for my safety, I charged forward. Bottle spraying, a war cry echoing from my throat. It was a short and vicious battle, and in the end I emerged victorious. I trapped the breech should they ever attempt to re-use it, and returned to my room.

The following morning I received news that Belle had encountered a scout force in the kitchen, and had defeated them soundly. There was also mention of a cockroach being found in her bedroom hiding under her iPod. What nefarious schemes it had for the device I do not know, but the idea that our two greatest enemies may have allied continues to concern me even now.

It was during my breakfast patrol of the kitchen that I discovered a second invasion force. Though not as large as the first, they had evidently learned from their prior mistakes as they spread out far and wide across the bench top. Rejuvenated after my sleep, I leaped straight in to the fray. The battle was quick and decisive, though exhausting. And as the final few ants attempted to retreat through the now spray-soaked crack they had entered through, I called out a taunt. “Give your Queen my regards!”

If this is war, then let history show that we only did what was necessary to protect our own. Tonight I am to be dispatched on a mission of the utmost importance. Poison. Poison from an expert apothecary, targeted specifically at the vile fiends we fight to protect our home from. The ants have a reputation for scavenging and raiding food during their invasions, and Belle has developed a cunning strategy that will be their end. We will leave poisoned food for them to find.

Some may consider it a barbaric move on our part. But we were pushed to this. We did not start this war, but we WILL end it.

It ends tonight! May god give them the mercy I shall deny them.

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